| And the smiles began spewing out of me like cold milk. |
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The Self Proclaimed Bohemian
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[26 Jan 2009|12:56am] |
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Its incredible, how I find this thing. I spent my night wondering back on most of the decisions I've made thus far in my life. Surprisingly, this assessment wasn't made in Miami, where I typically find myself wanting or lacking in some way. Thus far, I'm come to the conclusion that I allow myself to be, almost exclusively, in abusive relationships, using the term relationship, in part, in the most general sense of the word. What really brought me back here was analyzing, one by one, anyone I've ever felt deeply about, from as far back as I can remember to if we still speak today. I've tried to sleep for hours now, my eyes are tired and stinging, and all I can do is sit and read about other people's lives, while I try to trace exactly when I drove the romance of affection out of my own. I don't think I've wanted this ever as much as now. "Vanilla sex" he called it once. Just romance, just touching just some human connection to send the sparks to the tips of my fingers and toes. A breath of vitality and hope somehow shared through one electric gesture. I think about those pillowy lips I want, I could have had, I sent away. And how I've promised myself again and again and again that I was through with all this want, and reliving each painful second that I gave up in my mind. Its a complete forest of "what-ifs" and as far as I can tell, I'm left to wade through the bile that I've left myself with. I can never decide absolutely if I'm being victimized or what is going on, because I find the situation so absolutely absurd after the fact. I just haven't grown out of it, can't seem to want anything else.. until I do.
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[18 Oct 2007|10:29am] |
Well, well. What is this thing? I guess I was lead back here by a comment from a now estranged individual. Its funny, because I still am not entirely sure who it is. Theres obviously one person I'd hope it would be, and one I'm scared of it being. I've already tried to compare IPs and all, but I guess it wouldn't make very much sense for them to still be the same. Either way, if you're reading this I do want to know who you are. I think I'd like more closure to this than telling myself that I'm a stronger person for it. Not sure I can settle fully on that bit anymore.
School has started. I'm actually really enjoying college. It makes the rest of my life seem trivial and silly, and hell, I don't even have to force myself to forget things anymore. Its refreshing. Its absolutely free and I love it. Truthfully, I don't miss art school so much. I feel like I need to be where I am right now. Even if I don't like my classes. Even though I don't have too many friends.
I'm really happy; and I'm happy to be so. I've got this buzzing inside of me, and even the monotony of classes excites me. I've got this lust for knowledge. I just can't wait to get back.
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[22 May 2007|12:15pm] |
Fuck this shit.
I am beyond retirement. I can retire from retirement at this point.
Esteban smells like chlorine, which only reminds me how long its been since I've been in, or even seen a pool. I guess I don't have a lot going on right now, right? Not upset. Pretty good, I think. Pretty content, too.
Prom sucked, lets be real. But I've got high-apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes about everything else. Except graduation, maybe. Seems like we'd all have to get really fucked up beforehand to dream of enjoying that. Who wants to hear shitheads like James Wu talk about the meaning of life for twenty minutes? Dear Lord.
I need some magic in my life. Really.
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[10 Jan 2007|05:04am] |
So, I decided not to sleep tonight. I've spent the night awake watching some old TV shows and taking photos. I miss Boy Meets World sometimes.
Tomorrow is probably going to be hellish, yet, this still seems like one of the better decisions I've made in a while.
I also enjoyed some orange sherbert tonight, its almost my favorite ice cream/frozen yogurt/sherbert ever.
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[08 Jan 2007|11:16pm] |
What I want to know is how the fuck its 1:00 already.
Part two of inquiry:
When my body is going to stop self destructing.
Fuck, man. I need to actually get some sleep.
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| Also... |
[18 Dec 2006|10:09pm] |
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mood |
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[18 Dec 2006|09:26pm] |
I feel genuinely good about my life. I just spent the past hours shopping for families who have lost everything in a fire. These families have been adopted by our school, and the children are extremely underpriviledged. Not only do their families regularly not have enough money to purchase any sort of Christmas presents for them, but some of them have lost almost everything they own in a fire that hit their apartment building. I spent just over 100$ buying the following items for members of the different families at K-Mart:
1 CD Player with a pack of batteries
1 2XL T-Shirt
1 4XL T-Shirt
2 Medium Female T-Shirts
1 Pair Men's Athletic Shorts (M)
1 34B Bra
1 Pack boxer shorts (M)
1 Pack boxer shorts (L)
1 Board Game (Twister)
1 Basketball
1 Small Perfume Set
If any of you are willing to give anything, please contribute. Most of the kids Ms.Vogl "adopted" are teenagers about 15-17 years old, and there is a 14ish year old girl, and a 10 year old boy, I think. There are of course, also the parents of these kids. A lot of the boys are asking for clothing because they don't have any more. If you'd like a full list of sizes and all, I can help you get in touch with Vogl who has them, but if you're willing, too, to contribute gift cards, or games or some kind of electronics, we ask that they be new.
Even if you'd like to buy a gift card to Publix, some of these families have a difficult time affording their food, and a woman with pulmonary fibrosis refuses to take her purchase her medicine if it will interfere with her being able to buy food for her children.
The items would be due this wednesday, and the families are coming over to receive their gifts and partake in a party wednesday after school. Even if you'd like to bring food or snacks for the party, that'd be great. C'mon, help make someone else's Christmas special.
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[11 Dec 2006|10:08pm] |
I pretty much need to go to the Kansas City Art Institute.
And for all you hookers, it is definately not a cornfield.
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| Confessions |
[03 Dec 2006|11:36pm] |
So, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) poesian had attended this party, wherein you had to write a confession down anonymously in order to receive a drink. So he set it up on his livejournal similarly:
Leave a confession as a comment, it can be anything and it doesn't have to relate to me, though I suppose it can if you'd like it to. It can be something that no one knows, or something that everyone knows. Its entirely up to your discretion. It has to be honest, though.
Post as many times as you'd like, and take comfort in knowing that I'll post too, after I see a few start showing up. Please, post anonymously.
Remember, it can be small, big, silly, anything, just let it be honest.
You'll be surprised how liberating this can be.
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[22 Nov 2006|07:24pm] |
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The National Foundation for the Advancement of the Arts decided they wanted to give me a hundred dollars for submitting a last minute portfolio. :D
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[23 Oct 2006|10:09pm] |
¡Puta Madre! The house A/C is fried for a bit while we leave the filter to dry.
Luckily somewhat, there is a coldfront moving in. Unluckily, we've had some breakins in our neighborhood oh and yes, the rain.
Its pretty much gilamonster time.
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| I'll paint my own horns |
[16 Oct 2006|11:52pm] |
Attention world:
I am a bitch. I'm a liar, and I'm a human. My feelings change, and I have needs. Therefore, I highly reccomend that everyone just take a few steps back, and allow me to rot in my own acid.
It comes out so much easier, then, when you just say it.
I'm the big bad wolf, the one your parents have warned you about. I bet you would have never seen it coming, oh no, not with this humble exterior, but I am. A black widow who likes to hurt, hurt, hurt without a single regard for anyone else. Allow me to burn myself at the stake, after all, what selfish cunt wouldn't want to do herself?
Happy, then?
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[07 Oct 2006|12:44pm] |
 
My mom (left) is super pretty. Some people said she looked like Sofia Loren (right), I think my mom is way better.
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[05 Oct 2006|10:54pm] |
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So Anna in the Tropics was pretty phenomenal, as was ( I should hope) my essay in Ford's class. Its a shame he couldn't come with my family to see the play. :/
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| I'm bringing menace back |
[21 Sep 2006|08:49pm] |
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Rainbows in the Dark - Tilly & the Wall |
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Today has gone by too quickly and slowly all at once. I'm hoping to finish, or at least put a dent into this motherfucker. If not, well, I can always drink that Clorox, too.
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| I'm bringing sexy back! |
[17 Sep 2006|11:27pm] |
Actually, I think we can all pretty much say Esteban did. Homecoming was pretty phenomenal. Who wants a second helping?
Sheeit, son.
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[19 Aug 2006|08:17pm] |
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So school is pretty much rocking, and I'm jonesing for figure studies.
Unfortunately, I'm still somewhat uninspired. :/
This too will pass.
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[12 Jul 2006|04:41pm] |
So, I called my mom about my AP scores, of course, art hasn't been graded. Huzzah, but English and History I got a 4, and Environmental I got a 3. I suppose I can go on for hours being pretentious and saying I should've gotten a 5 in English, but I'll restrain. Instead, I'll emphasize my complete and utter shock at my other two scores, each of which I expected to be one number lower than what I received.
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| Welcome to Bal'more, hon! |
[02 Jul 2006|05:36pm] |
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Baltimore has been absolutely pleasant, and rather than bore with a post, I'll summarize.
Roommates = +
Acrylic Class = +
Digital Imaging Class = -
Field Trips = -
Getting to see Ian = +++++
Oh and of course, the pictures!
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